First, some background.
My ex and I have been divorced amicably for 12 years.
We have 2 kids, now 19 and 17, we share custody. He is now
engaged to a wonderful woman and she has 2 kids
(preteens). I think she's great. I always tell
people my ex is a good man to be divorced from and
his fiancee has told me that he says I'm the best
ex-wife in the world. So, we all get along.
My ex, his fiancee, and her kids recently moved
in together. Her kids see their father every other
weekend. My DD is away at college. Until about
2 months ago, DS went back and forth between houses
several times a week, a schedule he liked when
he was younger. But he was finding there were
just too many people, not enough space now at
his dad's house so he stays with me fulltime and
sees his dad for dinner 1-2 times per week. At 17,
we figure he gets a say, and he wasn't getting
schoolwork done at his dad's. He wanted to stop
going back and forth so he chose my house, I think
because he has more space with me.
The fiancee's job is not full-time so she has more time to
deal with kids and errands. I have suggested to
her in the past that she not let my ex completely
off the hook when it comes to my DD and DS
because I think it sends them the wrong message and
she understood what I meant and has made
my ex stay more involved even when it was a
little less convenient for him.
DS recently came back from dinner at his dad's
house with his Hanukkah present - a gift card to
a teen-oriented clothing store. My son is
not interested in clothing or shopping. When he
needs clothing, I pay for it - if there's something
extra he wants he would pay for it. So my son
wanted to sell me the card so he could have the cash.
Not too long ago he got from his dad a gift card to
a bookstore. My son doesn't have extra reading
time - the only books we buy him are related to
school so I pay for those and I bought that gift card
from him.
I would think my ex knows that our son isn't
into clothing or books!
What I'm venting about is that I would really
like my ex to stop and think about these
presents rather than give the impression
that he can't be bothered. I suspect
what is happening is that his fiancee now
chooses the gifts and my ex is just happy
to have someone else deal with it so he goes
along without taking the time to THINK about
our son and who he is and what he likes.
I don't care if she's actually the one who goes
to get presents if my ex would at least think
about getting something more appropriate
for who our son is.
I don't quite know what DS thinks when he
gets presents like this from his dad. I don't know
if it bothers him - I don't ask that.
I've always thought that our kids have a
better relation****p with their dad because
we divorced so when they were with him
he couldn't leave things to me. As much as
I like his fiancee, I'm glad she didn't appear
on the scene sooner because he seems
to have turned things over to her as much as
possible and I think that's not always right for our
kids.
Am I jealous? Maybe a little. Oh, not of her.
She can have him. Maybe of him - because
he found someone who makes his life easier and
she's really nice.
I have one question - should I bother saying
anything to my ex and give suggestions
about what our son actually would like?
Should I tell him that our son just sells me
the gift cards?
I know etiquette says one should be grateful
for gifts and not ever complain, and our son
isn't complaining, but shouldn't his own dad
have a clue?
-- Zip
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