On Dec 14, 10:29 am, Banty <Banty_mem...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>
> Well, there's a couple of aspects of this that bother me. One is this
idea that
> gifts are supposed to dovetail with regular spending to better use the
> resources. They're *not*. Or at least not supposed to be. I know Xmas
> expectations get so high a lot of families end up doing that (including
mine,
> bigger aquisitions are done as Christmas presents often), but it's
really not a
> good direction, certainly not a great thing to try and enforce. If she
needs
> to financially, she can react by ****fting her spending a bit - providing
> something more 'special' *instead* of the clothes.
Who is the "she" in that sentence? Me?
Expectations aren't high here. Hanukkah is our holiday and it isn't
a major one. We don't try to make it into a Jewish Christmas.
Financially I can afford to buy his gift card from him and we'll use
it eventually when he needs new jeans. Or when my daughter
needs something.
> But the main thing, still, is the problem of wanting to extend influence
over
> what someone *else* is giving. Especially an ex. However good their
> relation****p is, they've moved on; they're not married anymore. Things
change.
> This is one of them. It's intruding into a whole 'nother relation****p.
I think what I want is for my ex to be a better parent. In this case,
that
means "have a clue about what your son would like for a gift". I don't
care who does the work, I agree THAT is up to them (ex and fiancee).
If anyone else who doesn't know him as well as a parent should
had given him the same present, he would still want to get cash
for it from me but it would be more understandable.
> I understand about the connection with his son, but maybe gifts isn't
the ex's
> thing anyway (else the stb wife wouldn't be doing it) - she should look
for
> encouraging keeping that connection in other ways. Especially as a 17
year old
> should be getting around on his own. He's not a little kid waiting for
presents
> and phone calls from the NC parent anymore. If it's all about time (men
> shopping together is quality time - for some, not for a lot!), that time
is
> easier to arrange now than ever.
I'm not looking to "encourage keeping that connection". Don't
misunderstand - I'm not trying to DIScourage it. I just don't think
it's my job to actively push them. The attitude that
moms have to encourage the connection seems to imply that
dads aren't capable of it themselves. I am talking about amicable
situations where the mom is NOT trying to keep the dad away.
For 14 years, my son's time was split 50/50 therefore my ex
could develop that connection without my help. It's only been
for the last 2 months that my son has mostly stayed with me.
My ex and son can call each other without my involvement,
DS can go to his dad's when they arrange it. He goes
there once or twice a week for dinner.
DS CAN'T completely get around on his own. He does get
himself to school (by bike or walking), he can take public
trans****tation to some places, but he doesn't have a car.
I won't buy him one, and he doesn't have money for one.
If he's going to his dad's someone has to pick him up or
I have to drive him there if I can't spare my car so it has
to be arranged.
-- Zip
|
