In article
<3a326ad7-acaa-4047-98fb-1f6cc6e0a8fa@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
>,
Zipadee says...
>
>On Dec 14, 10:29 am, Banty <Banty_mem...@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote:
>>
>>Well, there's a couple of aspects of this that bother me. One is this
idea that
>> gifts are supposed to dovetail with regular spending to better use the
>> resources. They're *not*. Or at least not supposed to be. I know Xmas
>> expectations get so high a lot of families end up doing that (including
mine,
>>bigger aquisitions are done as Christmas presents often), but it's
really not a
>>good direction, certainly not a great thing to try and enforce. If she
needs
>> to financially, she can react by ****fting her spending a bit -
providing
>> something more 'special' *instead* of the clothes.
>
>Who is the "she" in that sentence? Me?
You.
>
>Expectations aren't high here. Hanukkah is our holiday and it isn't
>a major one. We don't try to make it into a Jewish Christmas.
>Financially I can afford to buy his gift card from him and we'll use
>it eventually when he needs new jeans. Or when my daughter
>needs something.
Oh, really sorry. Yes, it's not a Christmas thing, my bad.
>
>> But the main thing, still, is the problem of wanting to extend
influence over
>> what someone *else* is giving. Especially an ex. However good their
>>relation****p is, they've moved on; they're not married anymore. Things
change.
>> This is one of them. It's intruding into a whole 'nother relation****p.
>
>I think what I want is for my ex to be a better parent. In this case,
>that
>means "have a clue about what your son would like for a gift". I don't
>care who does the work, I agree THAT is up to them (ex and fiancee).
>If anyone else who doesn't know him as well as a parent should
>had given him the same present, he would still want to get cash
>for it from me but it would be more understandable.
See, you think you're not being intrusive about **who* does what*, but you
don't
see that your expectations may be out of line as to whether or not you
should
have such exact expectations as to the *what*. There's so many aspects of
being
a good parent. Being a talented gifter doesn't break the top ten in my
book.
Really, let this one go. He's moved on. You move on.
>
>>I understand about the connection with his son, but maybe gifts isn't
the ex's
>> thing anyway (else the stb wife wouldn't be doing it) - she should look
for
>>encouraging keeping that connection in other ways. Especially as a 17
year old
>>should be getting around on his own. He's not a little kid waiting for
presents
>> and phone calls from the NC parent anymore. If it's all about time
(men
>> shopping together is quality time - for some, not for a lot!), that
time is
>> easier to arrange now than ever.
>
>I'm not looking to "encourage keeping that connection". Don't
>misunderstand - I'm not trying to DIScourage it. I just don't think
>it's my job to actively push them. The attitude that
>moms have to encourage the connection seems to imply that
>dads aren't capable of it themselves. I am talking about amicable
>situations where the mom is NOT trying to keep the dad away.
> For 14 years, my son's time was split 50/50 therefore my ex
>could develop that connection without my help. It's only been
>for the last 2 months that my son has mostly stayed with me.
>My ex and son can call each other without my involvement,
>DS can go to his dad's when they arrange it. He goes
>there once or twice a week for dinner.
Oh, I totally get that it's amicable.
It's still out of your locus of control.
Banty
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