Zipadee wrote:
> My DS, a high school senior, has become pretty awful to live with.
> Outside of home, people think he's this wonderful, responsible kid. At
> home, he thinks he should get whatever he wants without having to
> contribute.
>
> I've been divorced since 1995 and get along well with my ex. Though
> prior to this year, DS went back and forth between our houses, this
> year he chose to stay with me and see his dad weekly. Recently he got
> tired of my insisting he get his schoolwork done (how evil of me!) and
> wanted to live with his dad (and dad's fiancee and her 2 kids). He
> mostly won't even talk to me.
>
> The fiancee and I get along wonderfully. Apparently he is being at
> least as unpleasant over there. My ex is somewhat of a wimp and
> doesn't impose consequences and seems to believe that DS should mostly
> get what he wants. The fiancee and I have very similar parenting
> styles so now DS is causing problems between my ex and his fiancee.
> Because they're currently in an apartment, they don't really have room
> for DS so my ex brings him back to my house to sleep and DS leaves in
> the morning without talking to me, if he can.
>
> At the moment, plans call for him to be away for about 5 weeks this
> summer, in the middle. We really don't want him lying around for the
> month beforehand and the month after yet I don't think one can get a
> summer job knowing they'll leave for a month in the middle. Anyone got
> any suggestions?
>
> What does it take for a selfish, inconsiderate, teenager to GROW UP
> besides just time? I didn't think I raised him this way, he's always
> had chores to do at my house - nothing new there - and I don't give
> him money for every little thing he wants so what happened to him?
> He seems to believe that "I want it" is a good enough reason for him
> to be given whatever he wants. He does not have a car nor will we buy
> him one, but he seems to think he should have the use of one whenever
> he would like.
>
> He recently started seeing a therapist for various reasons (I didn't
> discuss everything going on with him or this would be too long).
> Presumably he isn't showing the selfish side to the therapist. As he's
> 18, the therapist can't talk to us, his parents, but I'll probably
> call before his next appointment and leave a message for the therapist
> about my perspective of what's going on and I think SM2B will too.
>
> Suggestions anyone? For the selfishness or for a summer activity?
>
> -- Zip
Well, we recently had our own problems with our own son. Same thing
as far as chores to do, homework expected to be done, be responsible
and start taking charge of his life, etc. It was *one* bad week that
culminated in an outburst on my part that included 'What the *hell*
makes you think you have any power here?? One call to the SP's and
you'll have your ID taken away and escorted off base. Is that what
you want?? Now pick up the damn notebook and start taking notes!!'
to get it through his thick head that working 10-15 hours a week
at two part-time jobs and playing on his computer the rest of the
time was not going to cut it. (BTW, this was right after he had
said 'But I don't know *how* to go about looking for a full-time
job!' and I said 'Here, take this pen and this notebook and I'll
*tell* you how to do it' and then five minutes of him refusing to
take the pen and notebook.) Within a week, he had decided that
joining the military was the best (i.e., what he thought would be
the *easiest*) thing for him to do.
I digress though. A couple of thoughts: I don't think I would
let anyone, even my child, 'use' my hospitality of a bed/bedroom
without getting some common courtesy from them. I don't think
I would let my ex-husband use me in that way, either. Now, that's
just me and based on what my relation****p is with my ex-husband.
If you're seeing this as a way to give your ex (or his fiancee,
since you two seem to get along well) a break from the sullenness,
that's a different thing. But it seems like now, your son has the
'bennies' of 'living with his father' with none of the negatives.
As far as the summer job thing goes, there are a few different
options. Find an inventory service in your area (RGIS is one
national chain). They usually have a huge turnover rate and
don't have a problem with people who are only occasionally
available. Jobs for distributing flyers or advertising might
be an option.
But he'll have to be on board for that.
Tracey
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